The Problem with Prioritising Appearance Over Action

Modern social discourse often places a higher value on looking good rather than doing good. This mindset—what some call "toxic compassion"—prioritises short-term emotional comfort over truth, long-term well-being, and genuine progress. While it feels empathetic and fair in the moment, this approach often leads to harmful outcomes.

The Role of Family Structure in Society

Recent research from the US highlights that children raised in single-mother homes are significantly more likely to experience poverty compared to those in stable two-parent households. Similarly, young men growing up without a stable father figure are more likely to end up in prison than to graduate from college. At the community level, family structure strongly predicts economic mobility: poor children in neighbourhoods with more two-parent families have a better chance of rising into the middle class.

Despite this evidence, publicly advocating for the nuclear family is increasingly rare. Why? Because acknowledging these truths can feel uncomfortable. It may be perceived as judgmental or dismissive, even if the intent is to promote long-term well-being.

The Cost of "Toxic Compassion"

Toxic compassion arises when the desire to avoid immediate discomfort overrides the pursuit of meaningful solutions. It optimises for emotional comfort rather than actual outcomes, often leading to decisions that feel good in the short term but cause harm in the long run.

This phenomenon is everywhere. For example:

• Health: Some argue that body fat has no bearing on health to spare feelings, even though obesity is linked to serious health risks and reduced life expectancy.

• Parenting: Many parents allow excessive screen time or unrestricted access to social media to avoid conflict, even though these habits can harm children's development, social skills, and self-esteem.

• Social Issues: Calls to "defund the police" may stem from a desire to address perceived injustices, but scaling back law enforcement often leaves vulnerable communities more exposed to crime.

These actions prioritise immediate gratification or the avoidance of discomfort over addressing the root causes of problems. While these choices may appear kind, they can have devastating long-term effects.

Performative Empathy vs. Real Change

A related issue is "performative empathy," where individuals focus on appearing virtuous rather than enacting meaningful change. Social media amplifies this trend, rewarding those who say the 'right things' rather than those who take real action and do the 'right thing'. It’s easy to post a supportive message or add a cause to a bio, but much harder to donate, volunteer, or tackle systemic problems.

Whilst I find much of what Elon Musk advocates for and what he says highly problematic he did once say; "What I care about is the reality of goodness, not the perception of it." which points to the phenomenon that perception often takes precedence over action in today’s society. Many individuals or groups strive to look morally superior rather than engage in the hard, sometimes uncomfortable work required to make a difference.

The Hard Path to Real Progress

True progress often requires short-term discomfort for long-term benefits. Psychologists describe this dynamic as the willingness to endure immediate pain for greater future flourishing. For example, setting firm boundaries for children or addressing uncomfortable truths about societal issues may not feel good in the moment but leads to better outcomes.

The alternative - prioritising comfort and appearances - can lead to stagnation or even harm.

Choosing Substance Over Optics

To build a better society, we must resist the urge to prioritise appearances over actions. True empathy and compassion require difficult conversations, uncomfortable truths, and a focus on long-term outcomes. While it may not be easy - or popular - choosing to do good rather than just look good is the only way to ensure real progress.

In the end, becoming more aware of those who focus on saying the right things whilst shying away from doing the right things can help us to consider our own position and help us move away from performative empathy. True virtue doesn’t seek applause; it seeks results. Let’s choose substance over optics and move from performative empathy to meaningful action.

This article was inspired by content from Chris Williamson https://chriswillx.com/3-minute-monday-toxic-compassion-marriage-novelty/